FOOZ AND GUYLET

....IN WHICH GUYLET MEETS A FRUITYLUMP.

ONE day, when Cheshire Cat and Wennie-the-Fooz and Guylet were all talking together, Cheshire Cat finished the sugarmouse he was eating and said carelessly: "I saw a Fruitylump to-day, Guylet."

"What was it doing?" asked Guylet.

"Just lumping along," said Cheshire Cat. "I don't think it saw me."

"I saw one once," said Guylet. "At least, I think I did," he said. "Only perhaps it wasn't."

"So did I," said Fooz, wondering what a Fruitylump was like.

"You don't often see them," said Cheshire Cat carelessly.

"Not now," said Guylet.

"Not at this time of year," said Fooz.

Then they all talked about something else, until it was time for Fooz and Guylet to go north together. At first as they stumped along the path which edged the Hundred Sites Wood, they didn't say much to each other; but when they came to the stream, and had helped each other across the stepping stones, and were able to walk side by side again over the heather, they began to talk in a friendly way about this and that, and Guylet said, "If you see what I mean, Fooz," and Fooz said, "It's just what I think myself, Guylet," and Guylet said, "But, on the other hand, Fooz, we must remember," and Fooz said, "Quite true, Guylet, although I had forgotten it for the moment." And then, just as they came to the Pine Trees, Fooz looked round to see that nobody else was listening, and said in a very solemn voice: "Guylet, I have decided something.'

"What have you decided, Fooz?"

"I have decided to catch a Fruitylump."

Fooz nodded his head several times as he said this, and waited for Guylet to say "How?" or "Fooz, you couldn't!" or something helpful of that sort, but Guylet said nothing. The fact was Guylet was wishing that he had thought about it first.

"I shall do it," said Fooz, after waiting a little longer, "by means of a trap. And it must be a Cunning Trap, so you will have to help me, Guylet."

"Fooz," said Guylet, feeling quite happy again now, "I will." And then he said, "How shall we do it?" and Fooz said, "That's just it. How?" And then they sat down together to think it out.

Fooz's first idea was that they should dig a Very Deep Pit, and then the Fruitylump would come along and fall into the Pit, and--

"Why?" said Guylet.

"Why what?" said Fooz.

"Why would he fall in?"

Fooz rubbed his nose with his paw, and said that the Fruitylump might be walking along, humming a little song, and looking up at the sky, wondering if it would rain, and so he wouldn't see the Very Deep Pit until he was half-way down, when it would be too late.

Guylet said that this was a very good Trap, but supposing it were raining already?

Fooz rubbed his nose again, and said that he hadn't thought of that. And then he brightened up, and said that, if it were raining already, the Fruitylump would be looking at the sky wondering if it would clear up, and so he wouldn't see the Very Deep Pit until he was half-way down.... When it would be too late.

Guylet said that, now that this point had been explained, he thought it was a Cunning Trap.

Fooz was very proud when he heard this, and he felt that the Fruitylump was as good as caught already, but there was just one other thing which had to be thought about, and it was this. Where should they dig the Very Deep Pit?

Guylet said that the best place would be somewhere where a Fruitylump was, just before he fell into it, only about a foot farther on.

"But then he would see us digging it," said Fooz.

"Not if he was looking at the sky."

"He would Suspect," said Fooz, "if he happened to look down." He thought for a long time and then added sadly, "It isn't as easy as I thought. I suppose that's why Fruitylumps hardly ever get caught."

"That must be it," said Guylet.

They sighed and got up; and when they had taken a few gorse prickles out of themselves they sat down again; and all the time Fooz was saying to himself, "If only I could think of something!" For he felt sure that a Very Clever Brain could catch a Fruitylump if only he knew the right way to go about it. "Suppose," he said to Guylet, "you wanted to catch me, how would you do it?"

"Well," said Guylet, "I should do it like this. I should make a Trap, and I should put a Jar of Wafers in the Trap, and you would smell it, and you would go in after it, and--"

"And I would go in after it," said Fooz excitedly, "only very carefully so as not to hurt myself, and I would get to the Jar of Wafers, and I should lick round the edges first of all, pretending that there wasn't any more, you know, and then I should walk away and think about it a little, and then I should come back and start licking in the middle of the jar, and then--"

"Yes, well never mind about that where you would be, and there I should catch you. Now the first thing to think of is, What do Fruitylumps like? I should think icons, shouldn't you? We'll get a lot of-- I say, wake up, Fooz!"

Fooz, who had gone into a happy dream, woke up with a start, and said that Wafers was a much more trappy thing than Hycons. Guylet didn't think so; and they were just going to argue about it, when Guylet remembered that, if they put icons in the Trap, he would have to find the icons, but if they put Wafers, then Fooz would have to give up some of his own Wafers, so he said, "All right, Wafers then," just as Fooz remembered it too, and was going to say, "All right, Hycons." "Wafers," said Guylet to himself in a thoughtful way, as if it were now settled. "I'll dig the pit, while you go and get the Wafers."

"Very well," said Fooz, and he stumped off.

As soon as he got home, he went to the larder; and he stood on a chair, and took down a very large jar of Wafers from the top shelf. It had YUMMY written on it, but, just to make sure, he took off the paper cover and looked at it, and it looked just like Wafers. "But you never can tell," said Fooz. "I remember my uncle saying once that he had seen cheese just this colour." So he put his tongue in, and took a large lick. "Yes," he said, "it is. No doubt about that. And Wafers, I should say, right down to the bottom of the jar. Unless, of course," he said, "somebody put cheese in at the bottom just for a joke. Perhaps I had better go a little further . . . just in case . . . in case Fruitylumps don't like cheese . . . same as me. . . . Ah!" And he gave a deep sigh. "I was right. It is Wafers, right the way down."

Having made certain of this, he took the jar back to Guylet, and Guylet looked up from the bottom of his Very Deep Pit, and said, "Got it?" and Fooz said, "Yes, but it isn't quite a full jar," and he threw it down to Guylet, and Guylet said, "No, it isn't! Is that all you've got left?" and Fooz said, "Yes." Because it was. So Guylet put the jar at the bottom of the Pit, and climbed out, and they went off to the Tearoom together.

"Well, good night, Fooz," said Guylet, when they had got to Fooz's house. "And we meet at six o'clock to-morrow morning by the Pine Trees, and see how many Fruitylumps we've got in our Trap."

"Six o'clock, Guylet. And have you got any string?"

"No. Why do you want string?"

"To lead them home with."

"Oh! . . . I think Fruitylumps come if you whistle."

"Some do and some don't. You never can tell with Fruitylumps. Well, good night!"

"Good night!"

And off Guylet trotted to his house ENDLESS TEA, while Fooz made his preparations for bed.

Some hours later, just as the night was beginning to steal away, Fooz woke up suddenly with a sinking feeling. He had had that sinking feeling before, and he knew what it meant. He was hungry. So he went to the larder, and he stood on a chair and reached up to the top shelf, and found--nothing.

"That's funny," he thought. "I know I had a jar of Wafers there. A full jar, full of Wafers right up to the top, and it had YUMMY written on it, so that I should know it was Wafers. That's very funny." And then he began to wander up and down, wondering where it was and murmuring a murmur to himself. Like this:

It's very, very funny,

'Cos I know I had some Wafers :

'Cos it had a label on,

Saying YUMMY,

A goloptious full-up pot too,

And I don't know where it's got to,

No, I don't know where it's gone--

Well, it's funny.

He had murmured this to himself three times in a singing sort of way, when suddenly he remembered. He had put it into the Cunning Trap to catch the Fruitylump.

"Bother!" said Fooz. "It all comes of trying to be kind to Fruitylumps." And he got back into bed.

But he couldn't sleep. The more he tried to sleep, the more he couldn't. He tried Counting Rats, which is sometimes a good way of getting to sleep, and, as that was no good, he tried counting Fruitylumps. And that was worse. Because every Fruitylump that he counted was making straight for a pot of Fooz's Wafers, and eating it all. For some minutes he lay there miserably, but when the five hundred and eighty-seventh Fruitylump was licking its jaws, and saying to itself, "Very good Wafers this, I don't know when I've tasted better," Fooz could bear it no longer. He jumped out of bed, he ran out of the house, and he ran straight to the Pine Trees.

The Sun was still in bed, but there was a lightness in the sky over the Hundred Sites Wood which seemed to show that it was waking up and would soon be kicking off the clothes. In the half-light the Pine Trees looked cold and lonely, and the Very Deep Pit seemed deeper than it was, and Fooz's jar of Wafers at the bottom was something mysterious, a shape and no more. But as he got nearer lo it his nose told him that it was indeed Wafers, and his tongue came out and began to polish up his mouth, ready for it.

"Bother!" said Fooz, as he got his nose inside the jar. "A Fruitylump has been eating it!" And then he thought a little and said, "Oh, no, I did. I forgot."

Indeed, he had eaten most of it. But there was a little left at the very bottom of the jar, and he pushed his head right in, and began to lick....

By and by Guylet woke up. As soon as he woke he said to himself, "Oh!" Then he said bravely, "Yes," and then, still more bravely, "Quite so." But he didn't feel very brave, for the word which was really jiggeting about in his brain was "Fruitylumps."

What was a Fruitylump like?

Was it Fierce?

Did it come when you whistled? And how did it come?

Was it Fond of Mages at all?

If it was Fond of Mages, did it make any difference what sort of Mage?

Supposing it was Fierce with Mages, would it make any difference if the Mage had a grandfather called ENDLESS TEA RESET IS 20 MINUTES OLD?

He didn't know the answer to any of these questions . . . and he was going to see his first Fruitylump in about an hour from now!

Of course Fooz would be with him, and it was much more Friendly with two. But suppose Fruitylumps were Very Fierce with Mages and Foozs?

Wouldn't it be better to pretend that he had a headache, and couldn't go up to the Pine Trees this morning? But then suppose that it was a very fine day, and there was no Fruitylump in the trap, here he would be, in bed all the morning, simply wasting his time for nothing. What should he do?

And then he had a Clever Idea. He would go up very quietly to the Pine Trees now, peep very cautiously into the Trap, and see if there was a Fruitylump there. And if there was, he would go back to bed, and if there wasn't, he wouldn't.

So off he went. At first he thought that there wouldn't be a Fruitylump in the Trap, and then he thought that there would, and as he got nearer he was sure that there would, because he could hear it Fruitylumping about it like anything.

"Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear!" said Guylet to himself. And he wanted to run away. But somehow, having got so near, he felt that he must just see what a Fruitylump was like. So he crept to the side of the Trap and looked in.

And all the time Wennie-the-Fooz had been trying to get the Wafers-jar off his head. The more he shook it, the more tightly it stuck. "Bother!" he said, inside the jar, and "Oh, help!" and, mostly, "Ow!" And he tried bumping it against things, but as he couldn't see what he was bumping it against, it didn't help him; and he tried to climb out of the Trap, but as he could see nothing but jar, and not much of that, he couldn't find his way. So at last he lifted up his head, jar and all, and made a loud, roaring noise of Sadness and Despair . . . and it was at that moment that Guylet looked down.

"Help, help!" cried Guylet, "a Fruitylump, a Horrible Fruitylump!" and he scampered off as hard as he could, still crying out, "Help, help, a Herrible Hoffalump! Hoff, Hoff, a Hellible Horralump! Holl, Holl, a Hoffable Hellerump!" And he didn't stop crying and scampering until he got to Cheshire Cat's house.

"Whatever's the matter, Guylet?" said Cheshire Cat, who was just getting up.

"Heff," said Guylet, breathing so hard that he could hardly speak, "a Heffing--a Heffing--a Fruitylump."

"Where?"

"Up there," said Guylet, waving his paw.

"What did it look like?"

"Like--like---- It had the biggest head you ever saw, Cheshire Cat. A great enormous thing, like--like nothing. A huge big--well, like a--I don't know--like an enormous big nothing. Like a jar."

"Well," said Cheshire Cat, putting on his wizardly pointed hat, "I shall go and look at it. Come on."

Guylet wasn't afraid if he had Cheshire Cat with him, so off they went....

"I can hear it, can't you?" said Guylet anxiously, as they got near.

"I can hear something," said Cheshire Cat.

It was Fooz bumping his head against a tree-root he had found.

"There!" said Guylet. "Isn't it awful?" And he held on tight to Cheshire Cat's hand.

Suddenly Cheshire Cat began to laugh . . . and he laughed . . and he laughed . . . and he laughed. And while he was still laughing-- Crash went the Fruitylump's head against the tree-root, Smash went the jar, and out came Fooz's head again....

Then Guylet saw what a Foolish Guylet he had been, and he was so ashamed of himself that he ran straight off home and went to bed with a headache. But Cheshire Cat and Fooz went to the Tearoom to breakfast together.

"Oh, Fooz!" said Cheshire Cat. "How I do love you!"

"So do I," said Fooz.

From Traumerei