MUD WORLD - UMBRARG'S RETURN

From the recesses of its scrawny clothes it produced a phial, uncorked it and poured the contents into the Urn.

The clouds broke.

The earth trembled, and a single shaft of moonlight shone down upon the Urn. Shaking the imp set it down and backed away...nothing happened.

After a while the imp took a few cautious steps forward, and then the Urn exploded...

Wdi sat in the tea room holding his teacup delicately, he took a sip, then set it down and adjusted his bow tie, he often came here to wind down after an exiting game of dominoes, anything more exiting may have given him a heart attack, in fact as the windows exploded and white hot pieces of metal skimmed across his head and embedded themselves in the wall - he had one.

Images raced across Umbrargs mind, his last memories lingered before his eyes, an outstretched finger, black lightning... he braced himself fully believing he was about to disintegrate. He waited... puzzling slightly he cocked open one eye and looked suspiciously at a terrified Imp in front of him.

‘Erm’
‘You were killed master’
‘I was ?’
‘yes master I -
‘Look I assure you I’m quite ali-
‘You were killed 10 thousand years ago master, your remains were taken by Cat the wizard, he guarded them fiercely only now have I had the chance to steal them, that is you back.’
‘Ten thousand years?!, why aren’t you dead?’
‘You made us immortal master, Cat killed the rest of them, I was the only one to escape’.
‘What a loyal Imp you are!, you shall be rewarded well. So Cat is running the world now then hmm?’
‘No master, Cat gave the people freedom’

Umbrarg looked baffled by this, such a thing was incomprehensible to him.

‘Well’ he said darkly, ‘we shall soon fix that’

Umbrarg suddenly noticed he was incredibly hungry.

‘And now’ he said ‘your reward...’

A fireball erupted from his hand and engulfed the terror stricken Imp - toasting it to a nice golden brown. ‘What an honour!’ thought Umbrarg, helping himself to a leg, ‘to be eaten by Umbrarg himself!!! And then he laughed insanely.

People were gathered around Wdi, who lay on the floor clutching his arm.

‘Ere E’s gone a funny colour’ said one
‘Shouldn’t we do something?’ said one
‘I could give him the kiss give of life?’ said one

Wdi blinked, then blinked again.

‘I shouldn’t think that is necessary thank you all the same Foz’ said Wdi ‘I would however, like a doctor’

Umbrarg picked a bit of Imp out of his teeth and looked around casually, he was in a misty graveyard. Tombstones stretched as far as the eye could see - which was about six inches. An idea occurred to him, he weaved a spell and concluded it by saying;

‘Get up you lazy sods!!’

The ground began to tremble, graves collapsed inwards, and pathetic half rotten bodies, along with century old skeletons, clawed their way out of their resting places.

Umbrarg was flailing at the air wildly, and coughing violently.

‘GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!! YOU LOT STINK!!!!’

There was an embarrassed shuffle, which resulted in one or two legs falling off the more badly decomposed zombies. Umbrarg noticed some arguing at the back.

‘you!’ said one skeleton.
‘you!!’ said another.
‘I’m going to tear you apart!’ one of them spat, an amazing feat when you have no lips or tongue.
‘I’m going to throttle you!!’

Then the two skeletons began attacking each other fiercely.

‘Hey!’ shouted Umbrarg ‘i'll have none of that in my army!’ then he blew them to bits.

Two skulls landed in a nearby grave.

‘Ere Guybrush! Git out of my grave!!, I was ere first!’
‘Oh yer?, what ya going to do about it Joey?’

As Umbrarg strolled off with his undead army he could hear the occasional sound of skulls clinking together.

‘Will he be OK?’.
‘Yes fine, fine, he had a mild heart attack, he should be OK, in a little while’.
‘Does anyone know where that explosion came from?’ asked Foz.
‘From the grave yard, but there's no point looking there now, better wait until morning, when its not so misty’.
‘I say we all wait here together, morning is only a few hours off then we can all go together’.

Cat trundled along the road leading up to his house, he was in high spirits, having just had his first holiday in 10,000 years. He hummed a tuneless tune, and walked up his garden path. He noticed to his growing horror, that the front door was wide open. Throwing dignity to the wind he grabbed the hem of his robes and ran up the path and into the house. There where many dangerous and powerful items in there, but he could not find anything missing.

Then he noticed the pedestal, there was something on top of it, it was emptiness.

‘You think its light enough yet?’
‘Hmm, better give it a few more minutes’ said Aurora, the great, times many, granddaughter of Mr Flibble and Vella.
She was one of the few magically endowed people on mudworld, and also a doctor.
‘How are you feeling Wdi?’ she asked’
‘Much better now thanks to you Aurora’
‘What about me!,’ said Foz ‘I was going to give you the kiss of life!’
‘I shall be forever in your debt’ murmured Wdi
‘We should be able to see a bit more clearly now’ said Aurora ‘lets all go and take a look’.

They all trudged out of the door and down to the graveyard, mist clung to everything.

‘Where did all these footprints comes from?’ asked Foz.
‘Maybe they all got up and went away’ joked Wdi.

They all laughed nervously.

They walked along and eventually the mists began to clear, Wdi looked down for a moment.

‘Ello’ said a skull.

Wdi fainted and toppled backwards into the next grave.

‘My god!! Their all empty’ said Foz.
‘That’s impossible’
‘Oh its quite possible I assure you’ said a voice.
‘Whose that?’ asked Aurora.
‘Cat’ said a figure steping out of the mist, 'and I think, you should all come with me.'

Some time later Wdi woke and wondered where he was, he looked up and noticed tombstone above him, he screamed then fainted again.

Umbrargs army had increased tenfold since he left the cemetery, with each passing mile corpses and skeletons long forgotten, rose up and joined his ranks.

He was standing on a jetty looking thoughtfully across the rolling sea, he appeared to reach a decision, and stepped forward into the murky waters.

Cat entered the tea-room with a strange smile on his face as he remembered the first time he had gone there, so long, long ago. It had changed very little, to his suprise, even the woman serving the tea resembled Miss crones. A lot of people had stopped what they where doing and were eyeing him curiously. After he had rid the world of Umbrargs monstrosities, he hadn’t bothered taking any credit, and had left people to themselves.

As the years rolled by he was remembered only in a story and thought of as a myth. Which suited him right down to the ground, he had gotton fed up people knocking on his door and telling him they where seeking "wisdom" or "enlightenment", to which he used to reply: "Wise man say, bugger off you daft sod!"

He decided to take the bull by the horns.

‘ I am Cat the wizard’ he announced.

There was a shocked silence then the whole room burst out laughing.

‘That’s a good one!’ someone shouted ‘got anymore?’
‘Would you like me to prove it?’ Cat said coldly.
‘Lets humour the daft old sod!’
‘Haha! what yer going to do?, turn me into a frog?!’

Cat did so.
The room went silent, then a brave person said;

‘Well that doesn’t make you a wizard, I mean Aurora or her sister Zordell could do the same...’

Cat sighed.

‘Could they do this?’ he clicked his fingers and the room was suddenly 50 times larger.

After a while someone said;

‘Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeell, it could be an illusion couldn’t it?, I mean sorcerers are always making illusions’.

Cat picked the man up by the scruff of the neck and walked over to the furthest wall, then slammed his head against it.

‘Was that an illusion?’
‘Uh-’
SLAM!
‘Sorry cant hear your’
‘Uh Uh-’
SLAM!
‘Speak up man!’

Glazey eyed the man said:

‘No, id say that’s definitely not an illusion’ then he fell unconscious to the floor.
‘Anyone else got any objections?’
‘How can you be Cat?’ shouted someone ‘that’s just s story you tell kids at bedtime!’
‘I assure you the story is true, and now... Umbrarg has returned!’

He felt a bit deflated when the dramatic speech didn’t get screams like;

‘Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo GOD nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Or maybe
'No not Umbrarg anything but Umbrarg!!'

In fact all’s got was more laughter, he sighed, it was going to be a long day.

Umbrarg arose from the sea, dripping.
His army clamoured and lurched out of the water onto the beach behind him.
They where on a long forgotten island, there was a houses and stores, a lighthouse, and a harbour full of rotten barnacle encrusted ships.
And upon a cliff there was a huge castle, Umbrarg quite liked castles.

After Cat had turned a few more people into frogs and done a few more amazing feats, people began to realise it was a good idea to believe what he was saying or at least humour him until he went away.

‘What should we do now?’ asked someone ‘what will Umbrarg do now?’
‘Well’ said Cat ‘from what I saw in the graveyard I would say Umbrarg is massing an army of undead, and I think we should make an army of our own’.

The people looked uneasy, Mudworld had been peaceful for 10,000 years, it hadn’t even had a war, much to the disappointment of Oz and his military academy of excellence, or in his case the military academy of buffoons.

‘Er’ said someone ‘we're not really a fighting people, but there’s the dwarfs, they fight among themselves all the time, nasty little buggers they are!’
‘Then I think’ said Cat ‘we should go and talk to them.

Wdi woke once more in the grave he was occupying, he tried to get his bearings and sat up, a head appeared over the top of the grave. Wdi stood up.

‘Who’ he began, then looked at the figure in front of him and decided to re-phrase the question, ‘what are you?’
‘I’m a ghoul, they don’t usually talk back you know?’
‘Who don’t?’
‘The people in the graves, too dead you see?’
‘I’m not dead!’
‘Oh sorry arnt you?, we’ll sort that out’ the ghoul hefted a hatchet.

Wdi then did something he had never done before, he clenched his fist, stuck out, and punched the ghoul full in the face. It was either that or becoming a suspicious looking meat pie.
He scrambled out of the grave and ran off.

‘No need for that sort of behaviour!!’ the ghoul shouted after him ‘everyone has to eat you know!’

3 YEARS LATER

Over the past 3 years, they had taken heavy losses, Umbrarg's rule now encompassed the globe, towns cities and villages had been burned to the ground, nothing was spared and everything slaughtered rose once again and swelled the hordes of undead. Only a rebel faction led by Cat remained, a small pocket of undefiled land in an ocean of evil.
It was only a matter of time before Umbrarg destroyed them utterly.

‘We must do something before he attacks again’ said Aurora ‘we only have 4 thousand men left. Umbrarg out numbers us 10 to 1’.
‘I have thought of a plan don’t worry’ said Cat ‘I will however need a volunteer’
‘I’ll do it!’ said someone, Cat turned around, it was Wdi.
‘You?’
‘We must all do out bit in times of crisis!’ said Wdi valiantly

Cat pursed his lips.

‘Hmm’
‘Well?’
‘I would have to make some modifications’ said Cat slowly.
‘What sort of modifications?’ asked Wdi suspiciously.
‘Oh nothing drastic, just making you stronger, instilling knowledge of weapons and such’
Wdi brightened up ‘well that sounds jolly good! when do we start?’
‘Now’

Cat looked into Wdi’s mind, it was neat uncluttered, but good natured...a good man deep down, yes he would do fine. Cat concentrated, Wdi’s muscles began to swell, his cloths ripped as his biceps grew, his bow tie made a popping noise, and ricocheted off Foz’s head. Testosterone flooded his veins, suddenly he knew how to handle a dozen different weapons, and a lot more besides. Wdi looked down at himself, muscles protruded from every inch of his body.

‘Golly!’ he said.
‘Ah’ said Cat ‘one more adjustment’.

Cat had given the body of a hero but not the mind, and without the mind, the body was useless.

‘All done’ said Cat.

Zordell and Aurora where siting in the corner giggling and looking archly at Wdi.

‘Er I think we better get you some clothes Wdi’
‘Yes sar!’

Cat clicked his fingers.

‘Ah that’s better’
‘Yes sar!’
‘Would you mind not shouting?’
‘Very good sar!!’
‘Right, now let me tell you about this mission-’
‘Should I choose to accept it’
‘Sorry?’
‘You should of said, your mission should you choose to accept it sar!’
‘You’ve already accepted it!’
‘It's still nice to say it sir’
‘Yes yes alright!!, your mission should you choose to accept it is to goto Umbrargs- yes? yes?, what is it now?

Wdi was holding his finger up a bit sheepishly.

‘Don’t you mean infiltrate sir?’
‘What?’
‘Don’t you mean infiltrate Umbrargs base sir?’

Cat threw his hands up in the air.

‘Whatever!!!’
‘It sounds better than "go to"’ said Wdi in a sullen tone.
‘OK!! OK!!, I want you to infiltrate Umbrargs base, when there you will lay charges of gunpowder in one of the foundations of the castle, once destroyed the castle will collapse, crushing everything in it. Once you have laid the charges you will light a slow burning fuse, once you have done this you will goto the lighthouse and light the lamp inside. I will tell you what signal to use in private. Our army will be waiting off the coast of Umbrargs island, the lighthouse will give us the signal that you have completed your mission, we shall then bring our army onto the beach and wait for the castle to blow, after that we shall destroy and forces Umbrarg has remaining. Here is a map of the Island, the cross marks an unguarded entrance underneath the castle. The circle is where the light house is.
Are you clear on what you have to do?’
‘Will you self-destruct in ten seconds sir?’
‘What?’
‘Sorry just thinking aloud’
‘A boat will be waiting for you near the jetty, the cases of gunpowder are onboard, take anything else you need from the armoury’.
‘Yes sar!’
‘Stop shouting, you leave tomorrow night, the fate of the world rests on your shoulders, if you fail it shall become a living hell’
‘Thank your that really brightened me up sar!!’

Cat thought he heard a hint of sarcasm.

Aurora and Zordell were talking quietly in a corner of the tea room, reminiscing about old times before the war, and what they would do if it ever ended, there was a jingle as the door opened. Foz entered followed by a young man.

‘This is another volunteer’ said Foz ‘his name is Cloud’.

Aurora looked sadly at the young man, like so many before him, they came looking for adventure and gaining honour in battle, all’s the received was death. Cloud bowed with exquisite grace.

‘It is an honour to meet you my ladies’ he said ‘ your reputation, in battle, and your kindness in caring for the wounded precedes you’.
‘Kind words sir’ Zordell smiled at him ‘where are you from?’
‘The mountains to the north, Umbrarg attacked my village, I did what I could but I had to flee eventually’ he said sadly.
‘You look like a man who has commanded troops, is that so?’
‘Yes my lady’
‘One of our regiments is without a captain, would you take command of them?’
‘It would be an honour my lady’

Wdi beached his small rowing boat and packed the gunpowder into his backpack. Moving silently he ran across the moonlit sands and neared the cliff, a small almost unnoticeable track, led up to a cave. He scrambled up and entered it, here and there was the faint sound of water dripping, he explored deeper, and finally found what he was looking for. He unpacked the charges and began to lay them next to the foundation stones of the castle. Once this was done he inserted a slow burning fuse and lit it, then he hurried of towards the lighthouse. As he left there was a faint ‘drip!’ and the sound of something fizzing.

He neared the light house and took out his grappling hook and began to swing it in slow, wide arcs, he let go and after a moment their was a faint clink from above, he gave the rope tug to make sure it was secure, and then started his ascent. It didn’t occur to him to use the stairs.

Once he had reached the top he took out his flint and tinder box, and opened the cover of the giant magnifying glass. Suddenly the trap door opened, and skeletons began to pour out. He drew his long sword and backed away slowly, he bumped into something behind him.

‘Well well!’ said Umbrarg ‘what DO we have here then?’ and then he started to giggle.

Cat was standing gloomily on the deck of a ship.

‘Its been three days’ said Aurora ‘shouldn’t we do something?’
‘What can we do?, our last hope was Wdi succeeding.’
‘Can't we send someone else?’
‘No, if he was captured the entrance to the cave will now be heavily guarded sending someone else, would simply be sentencing them to death’.
‘We have to do something!’
‘All we can do’ said Cat ‘is wait’.

Wdi was in a cell, he hung from chains attached to the rafters, dribbling slightly out of the corners of his mouth. Umbrarg watched him.

‘What were you doing?’
‘I've forgotten’
‘We have ways.... of making you talk’
‘Really?’
‘Yes’
‘I’m talking now arnt I?’

Umbrarg paused.

‘I mean we have ways of making tell me what I want to know’
‘What, like torture?’
‘Yes!’ said Umbrarg triumphantly.
‘You're not going to sing are you?’ asked Wdi in a worried tone
‘Er’
‘Oh no!, you're not going to scratched your finger nails across a blackboard are you?!’
‘Er’
‘Oh god!, you don’t meant your going to file your teeth with sand paper and make me watch are you!?’

Umbrarg looked perplexed, this wasn’t how it was meant to work.

‘Enough!, he said ‘bring me the NUTCRACKER’ he told an Imp’
‘Oh God, not cashews?!’
‘I was thinking of a different kind of nut said Umbrarg darkly’
‘Oh no not walnut’s surely?!’

Umbrargs mouth dropped open.
Wdi’s eyes twinkled in gloom.

‘You think you can play games with me?’ asked Umbrarg ‘I assure you I will find what you was doing’ and then he stalked off.
‘Have a nice day!, Wdi called after him, ‘we simply must do it again some time darling!’

A few days later the cell door opened and a man was dragged in, a guard chained him to the manacles hanging from above. It was Foz.

‘Foz!, what are you doing here?’
‘I was sent out to see what happened to you, but I got captured’
‘Listen to me Foz, we have to get out of here!, if we don’t complete the mission soon this world is doomed’
‘The mission?’
‘Yes the mission!’
‘Yes, yes of course but how do we escape?’
‘I don’t know ive tried everything’
‘Don’t worry, we’ll think of something’
‘You mustn’t tell them what the mission was, not matter what they do to you, you understand?’
‘They wont get anything out of me!’

They hung there, minutes felt like hours, hours felt like days, they were never fed, only given water occasionally. Then one day the door was flung open and the guards took Foz away. Wdi could hear his screams, as he was tortured.
Days after day it continued.
Sometimes he would kick weakly at a guard and tell them to take him instead.

‘Did you tell them anything?’ asked Wdi as out of habit when Foz was chained back up next to him.
‘No’
‘God, you're made of stern stuff ill give u that!’

Then one day when Foz was chained up to next him again Wdi noticed a rusty dust falling from above him.

‘Foz!, your chains are rotten!, see if you can break them!’

Foz jerked himself up and down in the air, after a while the chains finally gave way, and he fell to the floor with a thump.

‘Quickly get me out of these things!’

Foz tried and tried to pick to locks on Wdi’s manacles but without success.

‘It's no good’ said Wdi ‘you’ll have to complete the mission yourself, goto the cave and light the fuse make sure its dry burning properly before you give the signal to Cat if he lands his troops and the castle doesn’t blow, they’ll be decimated’
‘What was the signal again, asked Foz intently’
‘Three long flashes and then 2 short ones, what do u mean "again"? Cat only told me what the signal was...’

Foz began to laugh insanely, and as he did so, he began to change shape.

‘Thank you’ said Umbrarg ‘you have been most helpful Mr Wdi’ and then he disappeared in a flash.

Wdi’s mind raced and then it finally dawned on him.

‘NO!!’ He screeched but it was already to late, he hung limply in his chains, as all hope for the world and his friends drained out of him tears rolled gently down his cheeks.

‘The signal!!’ shouted Cat, he’s done it!!’

A cheer went up from the soldiers.

‘OK, everyone get onto the beach!, pass the word!’

Cats army poured onto the beach, moral was high, and a lot people were singing.

‘Tell that lot to shut up!’ he hissed at Cloud, the castle hasn’t blown yet, we don’t want to give ourselves away when we are so close to winning!’

They waited.
And waited.
Suddenly the huge doors of the castle swung open, and thousands upon thousands of undead soldiers streamed out.
Retreat was impossible.

‘Form up!’ screeched Cat ‘pikemen to the front!, swordsmen to the flanks!’

An unstoppable wall of undead marched towards them, the battle lasted hours. Comrades fell to the horde only to rise once again. With unseeing eyes, they fought against their former friends.

Cloud leading a battalion of dwarfs was the last to fall in the regiment, his army had been slaughtered, and he finally fell to the floor exhausted and took his own life, lest he become the walking dead.
Cloud died.

Foz leading a group of swordsmen was finally overcome by the wave upon wave of zombies.
Foz Died.

Aurora and Zordell who had been looking after the wounded turned and saw the advancing horde.
They looked into each others eyes.

‘We cant just leave them’ Zordell said their badly injured.
‘If we don’t stop that lot getting closer they wont be injured they’ll all be dead’ said Aurora.
‘We cant destroy them all...’
‘No’ Aurora smiled faintly ‘but we can try’

And then hand in hand they entered oblivion.

Aurora died.
Zordell died.

They were all dead.

Alone and on his knee’s, his robes torn and his face scared and bleeding, was Cat.
Umbrarg stood before him.

‘My my how the tables have turned!’ said Umbrarg casually.

Cat said nothing.

‘What’s the matter cat got your tongue?’ Umbrarg giggled at his own joke.

Cat said nothing.

‘Oh well if you’ve nothing to say, I'll be going’ he walked off ‘kill him’ he said over his shoulder.
Cat stood.

‘Umbrarg’.

Umbrarg turned.

‘Oh goody!’ he said ‘are you going to treat us all to a soppy martyrs speech?’
‘I will not allow you to enslave this world again, death will be a greater mercy, than the horrors you will inflict, and so it shall be.’

Cat held his staff weakly above his head, he muttered a single syllable and a bolt flew off towards the sky.
And then he fell to the ground and died, his staff cloven beside him.

Umbrarg looked at the sky worrying slightly.... nothing happened.
He walked over to Cat and kicked him in the ribs.

‘Is that the best you can do!?, die on me?

There was a whooshing sound.
Umbrarg looked up and giggled, and then a mile wide comet landed on him.

Millions of tons of dust were thrown into the atmosphere, deadly lava spewed from volcanoes and flowed across the land, cleansing the planet of both the dead and the living.

Mudworld had died...

Deep in an underground cave, oblivious to the world above, came the sound of children’s laughter, not far away from them, nourished by the underground streams and phosphorescent light glowing upon the walls, grew a single white rose.

Dedicated to all the players of MUD, and to Umbrarg, who’s been a great sport.

copyright Kris Richards 1999